Exhausted. I have been feeling completely exhausted, as well as emotionally drained. I can see that I am tired of checking Instagram or Twitter, but I keep on doing it. I do not even want to see those images anymore, I do not want to read those short pieces of text. I do not want to, but I keep on doing so. It is a necessity now, as well as a burden.
This has been the first full year of work. I started working 5 years ago, but it was on and off, so I had proper vacations and holidays in winter and summer, even though I did not have any proper weekends and remained stressed for months. This time around it has been a little bit of both — sometimes weekends did not exist, sometimes I worked late at night or very early in the morning. It was difficult and tiring. Also it was irritating because from time to time I knew I needed to have a break, to turn off all social media apps and have a rest, but I could not do it, because I had to be available…I am finally going to do it!
Today is the last working day of the year, the 30th of December. I cannot believe it, but it seems like everyone is having days off and leaving for fascinating trips, while I am still here, writing e-mails, doing all sorts of other things and feeling stressed. Meanwhil I am also staring at bright and happy images of the aforementioned people all over the Internet. As a whole, it makes me miserable and mad. I do not want to be either of those things. I do not want to be that. Moreover, I am ashamed of stating this out loud, but I am doing it, because it is important to be as honest as possible, so I am challenging myself to do so. I am.
Before going to sleep today I am going to delete a few social media apps from my phone and I will not download them until the 3rd or hte 4th of January! We`ll see how it goes. I need this rest. I need to shut everything down. I want to finally find some piece in my mind, I wantto forget about everything and everyone. I want to let it all go. I want to breathe in and breathe out, I want to live, I want to see the day as it is, I want to observe it. I want to be.