Real Fake News

In their ongoing feud for entrepreneur of the millennium, Jeff Bezos has one-upped Elon Musk in a move that appears difficult to [one-up]. According to recent reports, Bezos and Amazon have made an initial offering to buy the sun. While the sun is really only a medium-sized star in the wider cosmos, for the time being it retains its primary status as the largest object and energy source in our solar system.

According to sources inside Amazon wishing to remain anonymous for fear of incredulity, Bezos had considered Musk’s expanding prominence in the renewable energy sector, both through SolarCity and Tesla’s new SolarRoof product, as well as Musk’s ambitious SpaceX project that intends to settle Mars. This led Bezos to consider entering the market until a brighter idea appeared — why not go straight to the source?

Amazon, both respected and feared for its ability to create new markets, reasons that owning the sun — a vertical integration possibility heretofore neglected by most solar entities — will give it access to and control over what most experts in the fields agree is the most powerful energy source available, superseding even Elon Musk’s ego.

Bezos was thrilled at the time of the announcement. Walking away from the microphone at a press release, he was caught whispering, “Do you smell that, Musk? That is how you dominate space.”

All this is, of course, subject to the approval of regulatory authorities. Tesla has already filed an antitrust complaint, contending that this would provide Amazon with an energy monopoly. Amazon spokesperson Apollo Smith replied that, “there were many other stars in the sky. The sun is merely the best known among them, and that is the real reason for such critique.”

In other news, CVS has purchased Aetna, and sunscreen is now on limited-time sale at Whole Foods.



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